Riley the Rattler

Yeah, baby

I'm Riley the Rattler, but who really cares
Stuck in the desert eating toads and hares
Enduring the dryness and all that heat
Crawling over rocks until I'm beat
Spending the nights just trying to be cool
I'm rejected in love, man, I feel like a fool

I'm telling you it's tough to wear these scales
Have two buck teeth and rattles on your tail
Nobody likes me - even the other snakes hide
While I slither around and rattle my pride

The only thing going for me are my ferocious eyes
I can stare down a mouse until it cries
So what's the big deal' It takes a mouse a day
Just to keep the doctor away

The days are sweltering and the nights are cold
The hunters are merciless, the coyote's too bold
I haven't bitten a good human in weeks
All that show up are a bunch of geeks

They stole my name and put it on a stadium
They stole my rattle and named it Palladium
They swiped my scales and fashioned a purse
How would you feel with that wretched curse'

You know the whole thing about this whole affair
Is that I have to go through life without any hair
I have a tongue so long it gets caught in the weeds
When it gets too sore I can't chew seeds

I suppose you think squirting venom in an artform
I'll let you in on a secret, bud, it just gives me heartburn
The weekends are the worst with the trail-ridin' honkies
Tearing up the earth with their horses and donkeys

There once was a time when I could lay on a rock
Take in the sun without watching the clock
Now all I do is hide in some hole
And breathe in the gas fumes and look for a mole

It's a disgusting life for the chief of all snakes
I don't get no respect from all those flakes
In years gone by I was king of the road
Just one coil would scare the warts off a toad

Guess there's no sense in complaining about things as they are
I'm just lucky I haven't been hit by a car
Just thinking of traffic can give me a chill
One false move and I'll end up road kill

A guy on TV gets 4 mill for being a Diamondback
If I get caught I'm stuffed in a sack
Thrown in a trunk with smelly cactus
And later dumped out to become target practice

I'm Riley the Rattler, but who gives a hoot
They spend hours looking for me, just to shoot
I'd give my left rattle to trap one gun
And bite him a good one right on the bun

I'm Riley the Rattler and I'm bad to the core
I gotta change my look, you know, like Al Gore

Say baby, let's slither up the knoll
Coil around a toadstool and shake, rattle, and roll

Yeah baby....

Lyrics by David "Uncle Duke" Keaggy, Music by Phil Keaggy